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Wednesday, October 22, 2003 ( 10/22/2003 08:37:00 AM ) elle's a tap dance, please. a neu brand of insanity Saturday, October 18, 2003 ( 10/18/2003 09:54:00 AM ) elle's shifted, because i got struck on the head by lightning. ask, or dont ask, as i know alot of people will, judging by how even though i can only recall giving this url to a handful of people, i still get all sorts of people telling me what they read on my blog. disturbing, but doesnt really bother me. just for the record, im not shifting to avoid anyone. a neu brand of insanity ( 10/18/2003 09:35:00 AM ) elle's he bought a new pack today, held them up one by one to me at the cafe like a magic trick. i've forgotten what half of them mean, but there was a day when i could tell just by the suggestion or by the pictures. and i have the itch to take out my own and go over them one by one, i can almost feel them under lock and key. i dont know whether to yell at you for reminding me or not. i would like to be able to sing in the tone of a violin. that skippish lament. i like sad music, and tragic dances. my computer's going crazy, and i wish i knew what to do. i watch the antivirus screens popping up telling me that my computer is trying to send an email, i feel like pulling the plug on the thing and running for help. im just purely jealous, and fundamentally judgemental. tell me what to do about this, please. i dont even recognize it in myself. things are hard to tear apart. i feel like i've been drowning lately, but this is as good as it gets. coz this blanketing listlessness only goes away when im feeling secure, which is like, what, exactly? certainly not independent. i want to learn to flip. the skin was stiched together, she looked like she'd been crying blood. i stood in line waiting for my pass, thinking about how many times i've just walked in, took the lift to the respective wards, and not dared to go in. once i lingered by the coffee machines for four hours while they said their take-cares and get-well-soons. i've never known what to say, or how to care. a neu brand of insanity Friday, October 17, 2003 ( 10/17/2003 08:42:00 AM ) elle's you're only honest when its good-lookin, and that's not really enough for me. a neu brand of insanity ( 10/17/2003 02:50:00 AM ) elle's things i would bring with me if i ran away from home -money -phone -baggy jeans and a sweater (worn) -picture of my family that stands on my cabinet. the one where i look so indignant and sorry at having my picture taken, at what, six years old? while my father holds my hand and my siblings grin from the background, looking their exact ages. -the blue cross -my bike -a lighter -water bottle -all the food i can carry that's you, really, all over the page. just like how the idea is charming, but the style is all wrong. i dont want to sound like that. like an english essay, with perfect tenses. i refuse to surrender to being corny, even though i know it'll unwittingly happen even in my classic defiance. there are too many people in this world. i want to rewind to monday when we had our lit exam, and redo my poetry piece. because I Am doesnt evoke any emotion in me at all. but Sorrow does. Sorrow really really does. ma goes for her operation tomorrow, acting as if life goes on, but playing Christian songs with lyrics that go He will heal my disease all day long. i hear her sing along late at night, in a voice cracked and quivering, but ten times stronger than mine. training tomorrow promises to be hell. a neu brand of insanity Thursday, October 16, 2003 ( 10/16/2003 07:28:00 AM ) elle's the difference between you and me is how often we're looking up to check out what's going on with the rest of the world. read this any way you want, because it doesnt make a difference to me. a neu brand of insanity ( 10/16/2003 06:58:00 AM ) elle's if i had a car, i might drive  You are Lime. You are quirky and misunderstood. You are definitely your own person. You don't let anyone tell you who you should be. You never sell out your values and beliefs, no matter what. However, you can sometimes have trouble fitting in, but only because you are misunderstood. Most Compatible With: Wintergreen Which Tic-Tac Flavor Are You? brought to you by Quizilla misunderstood is pushing it, isnt it? coz what is there to understand, really, about any one at all, at the end of the day? i think i sold myself onto commas. and im craving baker's inn, and ice cream :) i'll worry about becoming fatter than fat some time else. i would like to talk with my most sincere enemies, someday, and try to get a clue as to why i am screwed up (as most people are, really). maybe if we could leave our stereotypes and preconceived notions at the door, we might actually get somewhere. coz who else would tell you the honest-most truth about yourself really, your friends? yesterdays crepe $ 3.00 giordano $14.00 s&k $24.00 mos $12.10 sentosa $ 3.00 cable car ride $ 7.50 neoprint $ 1.00 zixi's present $11.00 total $69.60 went to sentosa and got buried in sand, and Not Burnt, and all around amused. laughable bunch of guys on the yellow float, christl trying to hide from the sun, squealing and imagining plunging from goodness-knows how many feet high up in the cable car into the water. i would have liked a camera or something :) stayed over with xinyi and ate stuffed crust pizza, got to watch the cell block tango again, as well as a korean show that reminded me of my sassy girl, though not as charmingly lovable. how i want to go shopping again, how i had better not forget how much money they owe me, how i had to treat them to lunch because i was the last person to arrive. i need to go job-hunting soon, apprehensive, i might say, the idea of how i might have to do this alone. i might as well learn to be brave, yes? instead of being just convincing. who wont just feed me stars and flowers. have you ever wondered about me, like i've wondered about you? every time he tries to reach out to me and plumb the proverbial depths of my soul he emerges covered in the random sewage algae, and smelling of the sharp shit. i should tell you not to do this, that we should just be happy and sane, laughing over random comedies in the cinema, with lots of buttery popcorn. so lucky honey, i've been thinking that someday you and me will both grow up for real, and the things we do now will seem so ludicrious in our own eyes. our fragile appreciation and sense of beauty will collaspe, or shed its layers to be something new, and maybe we'll start being different people. you wont look like a ghost forever. can you imagine what it might be like, when we write differently (in other words, we think differently? ) ? i try some times and the thought both excites and scares me, but i can never imagine it being completely realistic, and i acknowledge the very real possibility of us (at least one of us) staying this way for the rest of our lives. as i said before but wondered whether to believe, you're not any more able than any of us hermits who try our hands at this game, you know? you're just more lucky, you lucky lucky honey. they call to mind a bright lighted cafe with white walls and pressed sofas, clear glass windows for the light to stream in. they oozed their money and their impeccable style over cups of pricey foreign lattes, in branded tops and animal leather. their nails would be long and manicured, and they would talk of all things under the sun that i couldnt bring myself to keep up for more than half an hour. sometimes maybe they will talk in a language that i can understand, and i will marvel and be mistaken, and unconsciously wrong them in my own prejudices. oh, and they will be surrounded by shopping bags, all cream coloured and loosely patterned (i imagine), or maybe darker, bolder colours of the high-classified boutiques. after an hour or so or light-hearted conversation they will pick up their belongings with long slender fingers, and part ways at the door heading for candlelight dinners with respective boyfriends, girl-friends, people who will smile and kiss each other on the cheek and not haggle over the bill. i would be then a more independent person, id wear denim and coffee-stained tee-shirts all day, i'd struggle between catching my breath and rolling my eyes whenever one of them walked past. i wouldnt give a shit about being objective, or not being fundamentally judgemental, i'd just loathe, without really caring what went on in their lives. and they will only affect me when i am in their world, not when i am at mellow single-run coffe joints, unceremonious on linen couches and chipped glass, surrounded by endlessly droning guitars. in a perfect world, no one in such a place would give a shit, but i know that's never going to happen. and while i know for sure that i dont really give that kind of shit, i would be lying if i said i wasnt occasionally inexplicably jealous or twisted about that prettily made up world, at least once in a while. a neu brand of insanity Tuesday, October 14, 2003 ( 10/14/2003 02:58:00 AM ) elle's if i understood italian, yours might be one of my favourite blogs of all time. a neu brand of insanity ( 10/14/2003 01:36:00 AM ) elle's my mind associates everything so much so that i couldnt listen to my favourite song if it were tainted like that. -thursday, september 18th, 2003. a neu brand of insanity ( 10/14/2003 01:34:00 AM ) elle's and if we had to slug it out, using only our pride as the weapons in our hands, who would win, exactly? and whoever we use against each other who gets caught in the crossfire, really the issue is just as simple as this. i dont care, im gonna learn to not be like you, because talk is cheap and im not gonna keep scorecards like you do. and porcelain breaks cleanly. a neu brand of insanity Monday, October 13, 2003 ( 10/13/2003 08:39:00 AM ) elle's no more exams, *gloatgloatgloat* :) i like the gangster movies that are made with those harsh fluoroscent lightings. its not meant to look all soft and perfect anyway. infernal affairs was confusing, but well shot, and i liked it. and im pissed at the rating for 15, pissed at this stupid system realized on the way home that i ate a (forbidden) chicken burger for lunch today. you're gonna kill me i know. shaoning told me about the delta goodi-something song, said it reminded her of me. i'll miss you by the end of the week, just see if i dont. i can deny it but at the end of the day all these thoughts bring me back to you i hate it when people say that other people worship me. its such a silly, silly word. maybe because i've done it all before and i find reasons though not excuses for the things people do. i do that alot dont i. i want to sing like that, so insane and uninhibited, such an eerie inhuman sound. i cant tell whether i truly thrive on people thinking im insane, or not. and often i delight in the fact that i really dont care whether you believe me or not, its like a feeling of strawberries and cream. i realize a lot of the things i say sound so personally meant against you, but its not. its just by virtue of how we're so different, independently, in a system where there are no rights and wrongs. a neu brand of insanity Sunday, October 12, 2003 ( 10/12/2003 09:56:00 AM ) elle's i just realized that the ad on top of my blog says related searches: antisocial personality disorder. i think i must be stressed without realizing it, because im laughing at every little thing today, and eating myself insane. a neu brand of insanity ( 10/12/2003 09:31:00 AM ) elle's jo: sometimes you're looking out, but most of the time you're looking in. hi jo :) a neu brand of insanity ( 10/12/2003 09:21:00 AM ) elle's do i sound intoxicated? a neu brand of insanity ( 10/12/2003 09:17:00 AM ) elle's i feel like ive been crossing my eyes to somehow see in a different way and they've gotten stuck there. the idea of her religiously drinking four different kinds of alcohol before she sits down to paint and write her disturbing poetry just amuses the hell out of me, even more than her idea that i have the same rituals. old people have beautiful eyes, even when they're standing in the middle of the road, trying to hail a cab not knowing where they're going. she had those beautiful, scared open eyes, fringed with opal blue. she spoke a language i didnt understand, so i hailed a cab for her and made her stand on the curb instead of in the middle of sixth avenue. the taxi driver said he'd try, after his two buay sai's i suppose he felt kind that i didnt know who she was, and while all this happened i watched my bus come and go without me on it. i like receiving mail, and long wordy emails that i can reply to. i hate it when you try to force this on me. what is it to you how i learn to appreciate things, exactly? what does it matter to you whether i find things beautiful or not? i like to be sensated, im not half as intellectual as you, i hate the thought of how i am just like you and every single trait that i detest. strangers are still fascinating. i talked to christl and xinyi today, and i shall go nosey for zixi tomorrow. miss my teamates and my juniors, i really feel like crying when i think about huiqi leaving for rg. we walked past that hossan guy that day, he was all dolled up and gaudy, and he sat there looking so determined and placcid and zoned out and nothing in particular at all. it made me wonder in all sorts of different colours, what he thinks of when he dresses for a day out of town, what was running thru his head while he stared at the floor as we filed past. his makeup was thick and brown, purple, he crossed one leg over the other, the look on his face was so afraid. the picture on gab's livejournal made me think of curly-haired darren and his backward-turned baseball cap, and his ever flushed apple cheeks. and how if i could talk to you today you'd probably be some bball streetkid, smoking and porno, probably having shaven off your adorable curls the one thing i liked the best about you. i ate part of a meatball off sam's plate. but i spent five minutes weeding chicken out of my macaroni. i like the little boys who peer at me out from corners and smile, who run back to their mothers when i smile back. he went jiejie reading and he looked so shy-adorable, he waved at me when i picked up my bag and left. and while idont particularly have the patience for children, i like how fascinated they become at every little thing. there's a maths question of gerard's that i cant solve and its bugging the shit out of me. hermit ella i want to go back to yd, it takes so much self control to not judge her for being judgemental, trying not to self-righteously put down her self-righteousness, i feel so unclean standing next to you, often feel like slapping you for the things you say, though i deserve them, and i wonder how it is that we get to each other so much. if we could put ourselves into the same room for an hour without killing each other, we might have more to say. i want to learn how to play the guitar. i want to adopt a beautiful child and teach her how disregard her own beauty, and find it haunting like a bolt on your leg. i am so afraid of becoming like you, by the way, some day in my limited tomorrows, trying too hard like you, pretending to be okay like you, being so pathetic like you. because then i will remember this now when i looked at you and sneered, and refused to listen, and was so fundamentally judgemental, and i will kick my own ass all over the place for the knowledge of knowing this was coming. they're speeding. we shall eat a whole tub of venezia's tomorrow, and sam will want to push us off a cliff :) a neu brand of insanity Saturday, October 11, 2003 ( 10/11/2003 07:24:00 AM ) elle's i am going to go for a week without sugar, and vegan. a neu brand of insanity ( 10/11/2003 05:56:00 AM ) elle's i liked a i feel like standing atop a high building and letting the wind blow me off. i want to fly, more than i want to fly i want to dare to fly, i want to get out of this shitforsaken country, never really felt so so much until now. ma used to say i was well suited for this kind of society, i wanted so badly to tell her that just because i can do it doenst mean that i like it, want to tell her how i wanted to fly to somewhere less grey, where id be sensated at every little thing. and if i told her this now she'd say something along the lines of how places like that are always in strife, always broken and easily led astray. i want so badly to be with jaryl while he's hanging out at those sleepy accoustic cafes amongst those relentlessly laid back cups of coffee. i like talking to cong in that kind of feel, while he's playing soccer and thinking about classical cute girls with their ridiculous boyfriends and their public displays of affection. she says i haunt, like a mispoken name or mysterious reflection in the glass that you can only see out of the corner of your eye. i told her its just a trick of light. i wonder how you could ever see me that way, you know. i thought i was bad and crazy enough. about five months down the road you wont be able to look back at this without turning your signature red. the idea of getting streamed brings to mind ribbons running under screws and metal getting sliced at all different angles. i saw a blind man on the bus, who nobody gave their seat up to, who stuttered as the bus began to move, whose hand i grasped and brought towards the railing. and i looked at him and thought about that touch of his hands all the way home, wondering what shade he sees the world in. joyce wrote me an email that made me cry and wish she was still around. by the way, its not consolation that however bad i get i'll never be as bad as you. you know? not for more than five seconds, anyway. and those five seconds always hail the ugliest sides of me i've ever seen. i would be lying to you or to myself if i said i was completely unaffected. a neu brand of insanity Friday, October 10, 2003 ( 10/10/2003 10:40:00 AM ) elle's am i going to die from your lead paint? a neu brand of insanity ( 10/10/2003 10:27:00 AM ) elle's i tell them im fifteen and they laugh. laugh their heads off and still ask of the truth. i dont even know why i said fifteen, anway, caught in a situation like that you'd think it'd be natural to lie. but you looked like interesting people, like it would bother you to find out the truth, like you werent just asking me for a light. i cried four times during my lit paper, my words were smudged and i hope she wont notice. i inadvertly reached two steps closer to the centre of the universe today, and the experience stung my senses with the vision of a lonely little man in a green jacket, bespectacled and personal. could i live, without obsessions, i really do wonder sometimes. when im clear headed enough to see myself from a top-view, and i wish i could be like that all the time, so untwisted, to have someone hanging off my back to tell me not to think so much. i would like to be staid, and simple-minded enough to be gloriously complacent. and nothing, nothing, nothing in the world beats live music. they played casablanca, and rain, and hotel california, i could have died on the spot on recognizing the introduction, trying so hard not to squeal like the schoolgirl i was even then. he sang with a raspy asian twang that i grew to like after a while, because it was just so personal and our culture, something so un-western and integral. and i always wish wish wish my voice werent so weak and frail and full of wind, i want the voices of people like alanis morisette, like shirley manson, like cheryl crow, before all three of them sold out with their pop albums. the guitar was mediocre for performers of that standard, takable, changable, still so intoxicating when coupled with the bass, the drums, the sheer volume i suppose. i had the best half hour at the esplanade library reading rock-slease magazines, sam is bowled over by the explicitness, i want to go back there every week to read, to talk to the person who took those magazines off the shelf and left them on the table where we found them. and i would like to play an instrument well, how i would like to drown myself in indie-rock and alternative, in foreign films and dislocated literature. i wish someone would grow me like that, wish i knew more people who shared my obsession with classic soft rock and the like. i dont even know actual names for it, coz things are just so alien to me, even though what fleeting brushes i have with it leave me out cold and fascinated for days. i wished today that i lived in a less monotonous country, i want the shirt that says censorship__off, free speech__on. i like having shaoning around because she tells me about her aep, and i am fascinated as i always am, regretful as i always am, bitter as i always am. but so intrigued, so so so intrigued and envious, i am too idealistic for my own damn good. and i pissed him off today, never felt so good flying to the moon. a neu brand of insanity Thursday, October 09, 2003 ( 10/09/2003 09:47:00 AM ) elle's and i wish youd be this real to be and this honest, all of the time, but then i know neither of us would be able to take it. while we're laughing at each other good naturedly, while we talk about these things like they were the weather, while we kiss out of pure boredom. honesty? oh please, this was exactly the world i asked for, in idealism, in insanity, in-fused with nicotine and alcohol, at least i knew how it would hurt from a long time ago, and maybe i could get used to this bruising. that's what they did to me, you know, with their scratched-up tones and textures, i suppose they're the ones who shaped my perception of beauty, you know if they hadnt touched that part of me it would be so easier to put them into a box and shove it under my bed. min says that on my blog i sound awfully intoxicated, far away from what i sound like in real life. and shaoning was nice to me today. a neu brand of insanity Wednesday, October 08, 2003 ( 10/08/2003 08:40:00 AM ) elle's eoys are more than half over, i decided to sacrifice chem, too bad i didnt think of this earlier, resort to such maddening decisions. we'll be the toy soldiers. and screw you, in advance, just coz i know what goes from here and the idea of it makes me sick, because i dont want things to be any old shit and soon it'll be my fault it'll be my fault and though you can pick things up and put them down just like that i cant i wont ever be able to do that and i know that doesnt matter to you so screwall what does it matter to me whether you smoke or not? whether you lie or not? whether you're sane or not? a neu brand of insanity Monday, October 06, 2003 ( 10/06/2003 10:01:00 AM ) elle's oh, and sorry, because id wanted to apologize to you tonight, but then i came home to shit and it kind of took second place. but well sorry, anyway, while i'll do this another time, call you up or something i never do. and i wondered what it felt like for you to be trying so hard to hint these things, how i ignored them as i always do, if you knew me well enough you'd just be sure of what id say, dont you? coz if you dont know that side of me by now, i dont know who does. a neu brand of insanity ( 10/06/2003 09:52:00 AM ) elle's and we can scream and shout, and go insane, da will be the only one to keep his head, while she totters around at night crying for home. he will keep the bag of garbage just for me, they will hold their reverence while i play broken chords and let my tears splatter on the two-toned keys. mother, did i hurt you with what i said? his quiet understanding moved me to tears again, how he understood my sentiment, in a way that she never could. and just one of these days id like to do something about these red puffy eyes. a neu brand of insanity Sunday, October 05, 2003 ( 10/05/2003 09:57:00 AM ) elle's julia says: (ella the addict, in more ways than one) more ways than alot, actually. a neu brand of insanity ( 10/05/2003 09:45:00 AM ) elle's and how i would like to tell you that it was all so accidental, that whole existence was accidental, and that people are still people, whatever they seem. do you believe me? would you ever believe me? im ten times as bad as you and here i am trying to make you understand. a neu brand of insanity ( 10/05/2003 09:28:00 AM ) elle's aiyee bought me middlesex today, by jeffrey eugenides, and i read the back cover and the first two pages and wanted to STUFF HISTORY. they had another spastic party at macs, and i could see edwin and julian dancing in my mind's eye. and sam, her face turning red, trying, laughing, having the time of her life, a day we would talk about months and months down the road. and me, i would pretend that i didnt really really want to dance, trying not to let it show, trying not to be someone who could be easily put down, how i dont talk about direct memories like that. every time jinhua messages me i think about chinpeng, his cold warmth sitting next to me, and the bowling alley, his hopefulness, his hard brittle dejection. when joyce does this to me as she's done ever since the beginning of the year, i just dont care anymore, and i realize how irritating i used to be, how badly i wronged you and i think about how insane you must have been to have tolerated me. banging your head against a wall to draw blood, did you really give that much of a shit, or were you just bored? if you asked me, id maybe give you the url of my alternate publication, one of many of something im not that proud of, but you had to swear not to give it to others, and to tell me the truth. im not so closed minded, i would like to admit, though i am mostly checkered blacks and white. because honestly, as long as you're human and human to me, you'd be able to say something that i could find intruiging. (sometimes im so ambiguous i dont even know what im talking about myself) i feel evil to you, and i wonder why i scare you. well maybe id scare me, too, i guess i cant think so. some days i wonder what its like not to be a freak, some days i really know, for short whiles, if nothing at all, and i think about primary school and how amanda told sharon i was so popular when really all i felt was far away from maro, and things like that. always, always maro, just because i liked her, the two way obsessions, my unwillingness to believe that she was just trivial with popular. and i hate the word popular still do, but i do love cheerleading and i was fond of maro. and then we lost contact and i found out how she became one of those typical girls again, how fooled i was, but how i wondered if id ever really believed. and then her, some days i wonder if i could ever hope to be beautiful like her, how i hold my breath every time i think about her, her world, how things would be different there. i wonder if im too hopeful. somebody asked me yesterday if id trade being broken and being beautiful, as in a associative deliberate thing, i didnt know how to say that i wasnt beautiful without sounding condescending. because i know wihtout knowing so many people who take my breath away, i know that beauty is nothing but a perception, i know i believe things that are just so different from them. oh, and i wonder what its like to not be obsessed with beauty, consciously or unconsciously. and i want to forget what its like to be loud and pretentious, and never think about that feeling again. i would to learn how to breathe around you, and not see the world in violent monochrome all the time. a neu brand of insanity Saturday, October 04, 2003 ( 10/04/2003 11:10:00 AM ) elle's and you really scared me, today, with that message, coz im so afaid of my lack of self-control, coupled with your headstrong recklessness, how insane and wrong this could go. im too fond of you to see you in that way, i know, but then, you also remind me too much of him. and id miss that, if i let myself have the chance, did you know? i would like more songs like that, where lyrics are poetry and part of the song, where you wouldn't dare to rhyme blue with you and heart-ache with break unless you had a gun to your temple. i suppose im the sort of person who would name my kid after a song, or a romantic city with cracked walls. a neu brand of insanity ( 10/04/2003 11:02:00 AM ) elle's and i cried more than eight times today, thinking about what da said in the morning, blowing it off, asking me whether i wanted soft rock or country music, how you wont have the mood to watch the musical even though you fall in love with these things every time you think of them. how you always laugh when you're afraid, da you know that scared me more than anything? the idea, that im not ready to live without my mother, how you might die of a broken heart if she were gone. do you know? do you know how chinese i felt, lacing my fingers through her gold chain that night, the one she keeps in the safe, while she told me of how all of them had come to be? how i forgot that i was a rabbit and not a true dragon, and squealed at the first sighting of a dragon pendant, when she laughed and said that was hers and not mine. you know the grape pendant, the one that ah ma gave her, that she told me how she wore to the swimming pool and lost the diamonds? and when she asked me if i wanted it, and i twirled it around on my fingers, i told her i dont wear these things but i just like owning them, do you know that? i just like owning these beautiful things do you know how different my prose and my literature is from gail's, how she can't write anything personal, and how that's the only thing i can do? how you leaked into my exam essay, da, but i couldnt sustain it, and id wanted to tear the thing to shreds just because it had your name on it. you are music, da, you're like a diamond that's turned to stone, covered in so many layers, so many secrets, so many tragedies, so unready to die at fifty 52 years old. and i know you dont, da, though you pretend to be okay, i know you're afraid of the same things as us diseased weaklings, i know you're not immune, do you know that im just like you da, do you know that's what you gave me? other than a blue cross and a love for humanities. other than that reindeer pendant you brought from switzerland, the flowers from the market you've given me, the times you've made me angry and sad and you make me worry so much da you always laugh when you're afraid. and i dont want to think of what your life's been like, da, dont want to think about my name, think about your brother, think about michael and how he doesnt understand. you're like piano chords that have been fragmented and patched so badly, the way they seem to go astray, the way you realize that they're just accompaniment and that they've been there forever. and sometimes when people tell me that im smart, i want to tell them that im nuts, compared to you. but da that also goes with everything, you know? if we were our afflictions id be joining you. and everytime i feel broken like this i just wonder how you grew up, and how you were a story, had a story, once upon a time. the pictures of ma when she was around my age, how damn much michelle looks like her, and how i look so much like you. like the picture on my grandmother's tombstone. and i think till i cry and read centre of the universe time and time again it doesnt matter to me how many a's and smiley faces choo draws on my script, at the end of the day it was a feeling spun into words and i fell in love with it because i didnt know how to do it, i dont care how many people tell me how i did a good job on it, everytime i read my report something is always missing. da i know you wanted to shelter me from everything you had, how you buy so much food coz you remember what it was like to starve once, i choke on oxygen when i think of you. how did things go so fast for you? for me? im fifteen, its been a while, people are already calling me tragic im wondering what the shit do they know? what the heck do i know? nothing, da, when you get down to it, but i know you'd have wanted to be different, i remember forcing lucas to think of death when he was ten and i was a year younger. da what did you spill over into me, exactly, was it the music that you gave me? how you intoxicated yourself with it, how it invaded my walls and my sister whom i adored and my brother whom i admired and everything that's ever matter to me in my life? do you know that, da, that you grew me like an evergreen in a pot and now i dont think i could take being without this darklight? and da, why do you always have to laugh when you're afraid. a neu brand of insanity Friday, October 03, 2003 ( 10/03/2003 09:23:00 AM ) elle's and i laugh at you, everyday so malicious my contempt there's not point in saying im sorry. a neu brand of insanity ( 10/03/2003 09:19:00 AM ) elle's i want you to know that they dont bother me anymore, and it's always been you. at least when you were around, and things like that. i prayed today, for swift doctor's hands, and a resignation to whatever fate will come to pass why do you want to talk to me, then run away? this mindless hide and seek, when you're the one who hurts for real. a neu brand of insanity ( 10/03/2003 09:19:00 AM ) elle's i would write lyrics for the deranged, i would be a hippy gone so so wrong. i wouldnt let anything you said get to me i would try so hard to be good at denying try harder to fit in, maybe. i would be less volatile, and beautiful, only for a day. i would be queer and not do you the courtesy of hiding it from your view, i'd tell you that i didnt care what you think. (and i dont, my dear, because you're twisted in your spineless own way too) and if i had the voice for it, i would sing the twisted, neurotic songs like that. a neu brand of insanity Thursday, October 02, 2003 ( 10/02/2003 09:01:00 AM ) elle's exams haven't sunk in yet, by the way. feels like an out of body experience, where my mind is floating somewhere near the ceiling, screaming at me to go and study, or look at the compo handouts for tomorrow, or even just think about compo points and stuff like that. feels like competition last year, queerly unworried, so detached and insane, so damn zen. i am going to starve to buy jagged little pill. a neu brand of insanity Tuesday, September 30, 2003 ( 9/30/2003 09:28:00 AM ) elle's 
i would like to sleep the day away, and own something that wouldn't die out on me. a neu brand of insanity Monday, September 29, 2003 ( 9/29/2003 08:52:00 AM ) elle's i fell in love with the prose today, that i could feel, but couldnt word, the light shattering on your scales and teeth. and he will sing that song to me, in that cool, crazy, gentle voice. he will say nothing, nothing at all, my always-shining star. we will shoot the colour out of the sky, and colour our senses with the blues and greys. you were spurned and tangled in my sky, like my namesake, for some reason always the colour before midnight. do you recall that poem you wrote for me, a long time ago? the four lined one, the ten-minute one. some times i feel like im a small little girl in a pink frock, picking at worn off friendship bands on my wrists. and that you do the things you do for policy, to amuse me, that i amuse you, while you remind me to watch friends in that after-thought kind of way, or send me songs i love, or tell me things that a girl shouldnt have to know. you are but that kind of subtle sweetnes, if you never needed me before, you'd fade to shadow just like the rest just like the rest. this light won't keep you. a neu brand of insanity Sunday, September 28, 2003 ( 9/28/2003 10:25:00 AM ) elle's my beautiful subway angel, that i cant find a place for. i am thinking about weicong and his brother's songs. i'd kill for a library of that kind of genre. jy rocketh :) things that work for me while studying -placebo -coffee cafes -you in the back of my mind -my nike jacket -messaging random silly people every now and then. people like ian and team-mates. -walks every few hours -3-buck mint tea -thinking about eating chocolate eclairs -walk on by -hyphens, and Not Sponging -extra chairs aside from baker's inn, which was really good, so much so that i wouldnt even call it overpriced. (we'd dream of honest people, and think it were so much better over here. we'd never ever get close enough to see it for what it's worth, the hypocriscy and the soft selfishness. ) but they all hypocrites, on this side, you and me. we've already overtaken you, when it comes to that blitz of decadence. a neu brand of insanity Saturday, September 27, 2003 ( 9/27/2003 10:16:00 AM ) elle's coz nothing lasts forever, even cold november rain. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/27/2003 10:10:00 AM ) elle's  You're Most Like The Season Winter ... You're often depicted as the cold, distant season. But you're incredibly intelligent, mature and Independant. You have an air of power around you - and that can sometimes scare people off. You're complex, and get hurt easily - so you rarely let people in if you can help it. You can be somewhat of a loner, but just as easily you could be the leader of many. You Tend to be negative, and hard to relate to, but you give off a relaxed image despite being insecure - and secretly many people long to be like you, not knowing how deep the Winter season really is. Well done... You're the most inspirational of seasons :) ?? Which Season Are You ?? brought to you by Quizilla well done? drop dead. and i wonder whether gail really means it when she says she thinks im good enough, that's a scary thought you know, when all i feel is my own incompetence. so many things to regret, so many things made irrelevant, sam's german trip. i'd like to know what i have to stop being afraid of anymore. placebo, today, pure morning. and our bags are all still trapped in the esplanade library. and where's he right now, when i feel like screaming frustrated incorporated and its shitsticks that i cant even scream properly because my voice is so airy. my favourite three notes on the piano, the introduction to never grow old, my badly wanting a gunsnroses compilation. i missed you. did you know that? i dont own you, so i just hope you're happy. i dont wish for you anymore. you come and talk to me every time you dont know you're upset, did you know that? you do things to distract yourself like playing these stupid games, and you're never like that when you're not calling me up at three am to ask me stupid questions. just like how cong understands me when im like that, but he cant take it, working on a subtle vessel. i wanted to fly away again today. a neu brand of insanity Friday, September 26, 2003 ( 9/26/2003 11:11:00 AM ) elle's she says we will hitch a ride to timbucktoo, together. to find some existence where we can be what we were best, maybe we'd smoke pot all day and not be ashamed. she can scratch her sheet music onto animal skins, and i will try to put them to lyrical words. she says something about the underdogs, and how that's what we'll always be proud to be, fuck the free world. she'll invent psychadelia again, there'll be a civilization there already since people are always referring to timbucktoo anyway. the popular choice are those funky caves, i suppose, so we'd sleep on trees at night, just coz we couldnt afford the rent. we wouldnt be stuck in a rut anymore, we'd be somewhere free and anarchist. the strangers are the only ones who make sense, some times. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/26/2003 10:54:00 AM ) elle's four things that got to me today -wishing it were like before, then kicking that thought in the ass, just because. i dont own you, or even my memories, and im not allowed to give that kind of shit anymore. -playing six variations of foolish games with different fragments of chords, hating this broken-up sentiment, though it cleared after a while and i could see straight again. i felt like asking her if she's only beautiful when she'd upset. -realizing today that you never believed me then when i told you it was a game to them. it was, it is, they play it still. and if everyone was as nice as you have faith in them to be, the world would be such a beautiful place, you know? or maybe it's just me, walking around in my father's genes, unlucky enough to get the scum of the earth, just because i could relate. -gab blowing up for me for a careless what would you call it anyway? a dig? trying to be as bloody diplomatic as i can though pissed now with the day i had and i'll admit that i do what you say to some people, but i sure as heck try not to and i sure as heck dont do it to you and i realllllly hope you're not gonna take this personally. i contradict myself between seconds and i know that, i know you wont imagine what its like but dont take whatever it is so emotional personally will you. without any malice and since you hate it when people talk behind your back i TELL you that i HAVE to be diplomatic because people always take offence to these things when their pride's been hurt or whatever, dont read me that way, touchy or whatever dont blow my guts out this time for my honesty. whether you perceived it so or not i dont have anything against you, and i'd like to keep it that way, i dont see a point in fighting this system. and damn everything i do is with a slant, i write here what i write to myself, it's shitted enough trying to figure myself out without you reading into me like a stained-glass window. i am never in my waking hours what i write here, i do things for my own reasons, i build my own castles and i actually live in them, i mean and believe the shit i say. i mean what i do by screwed up, by calling myself a bitch, by the realization that something is bloody wrong with me, in all sincerity good for you for being you but i cant be like you. so dont mind me and dont believe, because i'd like to unscrew myself up in my own time in my own style. a neu brand of insanity Thursday, September 25, 2003 ( 9/25/2003 08:19:00 AM ) elle's ma is sweet, just so awful sweet. and you can tell she likes being that way, she's just such a mild caring person, the mother that tries to freeze jelly for me so i can bring it to school just because i gave it a second glance the day before. it's so funny, really, and it makes me giggle while trying to work that darn washing machine. even though i had to throw away the said jelly, coz it was literal frozen solid and not in the least bit edible any-more. and ma i hope i inherited your simple sweetnes, your ability to derive this un-branded happiness from these small things of your day. you're really such an easy person to get along with. a neu brand of insanity Wednesday, September 24, 2003 ( 9/24/2003 08:59:00 AM ) elle's (you oughta know that its the same with you) the security guard who sits by the gate every time im rummaging around in my locker for shoes said hi to me today. it put me into one of those lets-go-hug-the-world moods, and i smiled at everyone i passed by when i was running. sarah smith asked me if my family was dysfunctional today, and i thought about what khin once said about her being a chameleon. and i believe there's more to people like this, when you take away the noise and distractions that at the end of the day dont mean a thing. bout the said dysfunctional, my family isnt, and i love them in a quiet way. there was a time where i abhorred the typicality of things healthy, and i hurled myself headfirst into a world that broke all my bones, and the strangest thing is how now i dont even fully regret all that. if i were too comfortable, too enclosed, too sheltered, i might melt under the first rays of the sun. it's like what gab once said unmetaphorically, about how the dirtier the water you're used to, the stronger your body is. and i was never concerned with healthy or correct, then, it was the attraction i found in all things decadent, how tough and strong the spirits i encountered, the rawness of that world that is hard to imagine any more. and i've always been obsessed with beauty, just for the record, whether i'll admit it or not. he told me today that he cant imagine that i cry. because of what i did to what's-his-face, how i didnt flinch, how i didnt care. i dont know how to tell you that i dont care about these things, that im weary of little boys as of a long time ago, i just dont play your games anymore. but you know, there are bigger and bleaker things to cry about, anyway. and i've missed marian, too. a neu brand of insanity Tuesday, September 23, 2003 ( 9/23/2003 09:55:00 AM ) elle's i captured a day in a bottle, capped its top so it wouldnt float away. it was tangy and sweet, like an orange slice dipped in artificial sugar. trailing its cool warmth, it flitted the edges of its glossy universe, a spray of the breeze, leaving gold shimmer. it danced around a ring of enchanted mushrooms unabashed, caught in discovery of beauty once mythical, they were chidren lost in a magical wood. it seeped their innocence into the night-air breath, where it caught the to cool fire and was felt for far and wide. villagers and olden folk would hear the song from far off, and dream of stories to tell, of faries who lived just over the hills. (this was a day i'd have liked to keep close, in a locket around my neck.) a neu brand of insanity Monday, September 22, 2003 ( 9/22/2003 08:39:00 AM ) elle's things i would like to do -cycle 5k in the rain -the subtlety -sit in a familiar old playground -spend a rainy day at home with a book -spend an entire day at an art museum -spend another at amatuer art galleries -watch a specific couple of musicals -lose myself to something beautiful -backpack around europe with someone who can appreciate it the way i do. -watch a specific couple of musicals -lose myself to a sound -lose to him at chess, again. -find my faith, again? not calling out to empty walls -talk to people who are intelligently politically not-so-correct. -wallpaper my room with pieces of skin. and lip-shade when i tell someone new about my url, i clear my mind, take on yours, and read my own blog from what i imagine would be your feel. i never know what i'd think, if i were you. sometimes i wonder who the hell reads this, arent you just scared off by the length? michelle fong showed me a video that made me cry. and my eyes and cheeks sting, and i think it makes me think, about hurting, and what its always been. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/22/2003 07:20:00 AM ) elle's let us take scores, about who's a better person. let us throw tantrums and heck-all the people who care. let us threaten each other with physical violence, and not feel sorry about the hurt we inflict, with the merest of intent ( bruises i can take ) let us take our honesty, and shove it down each other's throats. as truth, as goespel, as the final hour of judgement day. we're such a fine fucking family. a neu brand of insanity Sunday, September 21, 2003 ( 9/21/2003 09:59:00 AM ) elle's in passages like these, i realize i am just like you. i can change, chaemeleon style, for short periods of time. i dont have to like it a single bit. just coz i am drawn to that sort of feel, where things are broken but hardened, where people are strong and weakness is not forgiven, where Nothing Really Matters, just survival, just oxygen, just dragging and beer. i'd be okay with being fake then, coz that's just not fake, that's just survival, that's as low as it gets and we do what we can for a few seconds of escape. and such an irony too, wanting to escape from here, to go to that Wherever, to fade into that brittle concrete and dream of how its like to be right here. lets fly off together, and not be sentimental. a neu brand of insanity Saturday, September 20, 2003 ( 9/20/2003 11:04:00 AM ) elle's and my best friends are strangers who hide behind screens. the only thing that lets me know you're there is a sort of silhouette, movement faint, dust particles. and there are few, the few of you, who are so so beautiful, powerdered milk, unabashed. i have absolutely nothing to hide from you, and you from me, and you have no idea how good that makes me feel. i would like more strangers to talk to. people with their feet on the ground, but their whole body too, why unecessarily fight the system, do you care enough? quiet people or ones who dont care, on this side of the ocean, not like You. You just suck, right now, sorry to be a bitch about this. i dont even mean that personally, do you believe me? i dont feel the need to explain anything to you anymore. silent to the dark and tepid, again, this is a style i want, this is an existence im after, this is the only kind of oxygen that my body doesnt have any issues with. i hate the world and i always have, i wont fight against it, but i dont have to like it, i remember telling you that once, maybe more than once. you never understood that i believed every word of what i said. and people change, viewpoints and perceptions shift, it's evolution, i have no energy to put something up for you now. i like the people like them, they just dont care so much, so upset, pretending not to care about being alone. i want to sprawl on a couch with you talking about un-nothing's, eat ice cream with you at a street vendor, Just Not Care, about all those things that other people busy themselves with, We Care About Some Things Else. you're beautiful, and i forgive you; because i've never thought it possible to be that beautiful. small cost it pays to be alone, you can do anything you want, it doesnt matter. you sound tired, at this, at the world, like me. would it hurt to prop up a chair beside you? four dollar spagetti with cream, caesar salad and a slap in the face. a neu brand of insanity Friday, September 19, 2003 ( 9/19/2003 09:53:00 AM ) elle's mug. drink, drag a few, i know im stressed when i start doing things like this. oh, and eating like its going extinct. all this intertwined with mugging, like swigging in my room over chinese assessment books, stocking up food in class so that i can stay up during recess and mug some more. talk about the ironically braindead, study like its going out of style. toilet break in between mugsessions, to sneak away to a windy place and drag. i should stop carrying them around, really, i should eat chicken mayo sandwiches every day, carry around a bottle of pure apple vinegar, listen to red hot chilli peppers and tori amos all day. i really ought to stop, stressed or not, hate this word or not, excuses or not, rasberry esprit or not. exhaustible birds-nest not in-a-can . a neu brand of insanity Thursday, September 18, 2003 ( 9/18/2003 08:45:00 AM ) elle's i am too twisted, for you. and im sorry. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/18/2003 08:39:00 AM ) elle's im not the sort of person to ask, i just never do and i dont know why, if i did i suppose you'd find it strange, too, perhaps i dont ever see the need because i wont ever allow myself to turn into one of those people who i talk about, my mind associates everything so much so that i couldnt listen to my favourite song if it were tainted like that. coz i know i'll survive if i i let you fade away, survive, probably sulk, probably let everything get to me, probably break myself down. but survive. and survival is king. i wasnt trying to be vicious, last now, the pause before she spoke made me imagine she'd never say that about someone else and mean it. i make generic comments like those, they're never like they take them so personally. i put everything into a form that can be beautiful, illogical, and i betray you in my portrayal. though i dont have to believe in it, andi usually dont, in my waking hours. you can't seem to forget me, clinging on to this memory, the association with her. and sometimes i wonder if it's two way, the way i dont delete your number off my phone and your name off my msn list, just because it gives me this ludicriuos security, of having one of you around. she is so beautiful, just by breathing. and i try to guess, whether its real or fake, something i've done before. i only make sense now. i could get so so lost in the sound. a neu brand of insanity ( 9/18/2003 08:12:00 AM ) elle's a kid came showed up in my garden today, a Real Live (seven-year-old) Casanova. tall for a kid his age, wide eyed bright skinned, and da told me to occupy him while he talked to the father. he pushed me on the swing, moved stuff i knocked into out of the way, the most gallant seven year old i've ever seen, and the most obsessed with me that it's nothing short of amusing. he requested for me to escort him back to his house (about twenty of my steps, thirty of his away), invited me in to the shock of his mother who sat by the step waiting for the men of the house to come home. he offered me everything, a drink, a seat, wine; showed me his toys and his pictures, his mother and i exchanged amused glances where he couldnt see them. he would tell me about his multitude of girlfriends, showing off to me as kids do, i sat on the couch with him and talked as he talked, as his mother (on his orders) bustled around to find things of his to amuse me, turning my phone over and over in my hands and praying that it would ring, or something, to get me out of there. he'd wanted to walk me back to his house but for objections from his parents, of who would send him back (since he's not allowed to cross that 3m road between our houses by himself)? i was with that kid for, an hour? and all evening i've been amused by the nature of seven year old obsessions. the world sucks, and i will have no part of it. i will sit here in my happy little corner and laugh at you all tottering around trying to make sense of it. im happy, that's all i need, my reality. how luckier off than me are you, with your flashy cars and your money, and your paranoia, and your hyperjealousies, your reality that makes you cry. i'd rather befriend reality, have a drink or two with it, comfortable, as long as im happy, as long as im contented. maybe you'll never know what im talking about, huh? -wednesday, august 20th 2003 and a little knowledge is a dangerous thing, and, even in accordance to your theory, what is knowledge (root word, "know", something you've been throwing at me all night) anyway? how cold is the comfort of your "knowledge" in a time of emotion, in your mind do you see a distinction between "knowledge" and "wisdom"? and at the end of the day, we can deny it but we're human, inside and out, this language is human-coined, these terms dont mean a thing to the world outside of us, at the end of the day, doubt itself is also doubtable, everything is artificial because our senses are artificial, at the end of the day, if you really want to "know" something (and what's "know" to the world before us, anyway?), you ought to just sit tight and shut up, or sign yourself into a mental assylum, because in all honesty, its a growing trend isnt it, all that logic will drive you insane. choose, my dear, what you will. but at the end of the day, nobody save for the ignorant is stupid (which is probably why they include these things in syllabes, anyway), and the sooner you realize that, the better. a neu brand of insanity |
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